crazy, chaotic, cantankerous

Life can be so challenging.

I have had pollen allergise for more than 20 years now, and the last testing revealed a dust mite allergy now, too.
I am supposed to have someone vacuum my place every day, but who will do this?
Hubby can not since he only sees cluttered spaces and can not vacuum around if he has to shift too many things.
I need to declutter, or reorganize. Clear floor space.
This is nothing new, I am working on that for so many years already, and am more failing than winning so far.

A year has passed since I was in hospital with the first brain surgery.
It seems the inner chaos will not budge as much effort I put into it as I can.
Energy levels are nowhere near as high as I wish for them to be.

Today we went to the home builders store to get some shelve boards for my room.
Now I have to wait till the mid day rest and quiet time in the house is over before I can rummage around, setting the hooks on the right place, putting the boards up and take the clear storage bins up onto the new shelve.
Some room on the floor shoul be clearable this way.

I really do not like the fact that I seem to get everything messy.
I never happened to keep food or something like it in my room to make it buggy, icky, but the stuff I have, needs to be put away in an orderly fashion so I can still have visual clues what is where.
I tend to forget what is behind doors and in view proof containers, so I tend to have 'important to me' stuff lying around everywhere.
There has got to be a way of achieving this without it laying around in heaps. Chronological heaps of documents, stuff I am working on in those nifty foldable basket containers, books I am reading, things and clothes that wait for the sewing machine to be fit again for altering (losing weight is fun, but not if all trousers are 'low bum' style afterwards. Not very flattering.
It plain is really chaotic and collects dust like no other thing.

Inner chaos was with me from the start, not being advised as a kid what it means to 'pick up' things, just the expectation to do it and no believing me if I whined I did not know how to start or where to start and how to prioritize or categorize did not help me to set up any routine whatsoever.
Cleaning as in mopping floors or keeping the kitchen counter
cleared to be able to prepare meals only works if it is no galley type kitchen.
I grew up in a kind of combined kitchen/every day living room type where there is enough room for a table, chairs and people were meeting there all the time and mom was struggling to keep it orderly. I had no role model, dad coming home from working in shifts and being angry all the time and expecting without showing or telling how, thrashing around stuff and destroying it has left me with a high level of uneasyness if someone only mentions tidying up.
When I was at UNI I had a room with a one plate heating unit and nothing else, so I had one shelf for my two plates, mugs and drinking glasses and the silverware was upright in one of the mugs.
Since I did not have many things to have standing around, it was no problem to keep order there.
Then, moving to a one room apartment with a non window hole for kitchen, the doom began, I did not like being in there, so I just kind of went in, got what I needed and went into the room with the window, for eating, drinking tea and such activities, the washing of the dishes could not be done out there, I had to go to this hole to do it.
So I did not do it at all, amassing lots of dishes before I felt like having to do it now. Not being able to because it was too much, and no space to put the clean dripping wet stuff for towel drying later.
My stuff in the room was rather easy to manage, since I only had the basics there, driving home over the weekend to do laundry and backpacking everything back and forth. The dirty clothes went into the backpack, and the books and papers were on the seven boards of a bookshelf together with the stereo unit.
Still it happened that it got more and more chaotic.

Unhappy but helplessness once more.

"I do not know how to do it" is still present, and no help or ideas near anywhere.
I very seldom feel the urge to start tidying up, and if I do it happens to always be a time where I am really alone for a certain ammount of time which very seldomly happens since hubby works from home and is very seldomly away for more than an hour.

We do have the rather biggish kitchen, no room for a table for sitting there. Still the cupboard space seems to be not enough.
Maybe restructuring would help there.
I try this with my craft and kittie room right now and really hope I am no helpless case.

And nobody say, I am supposed to get rid of the kitties or my creative stuff, It is as essential to me as are the glowing, cough inducing sticks, the ethanole and TV set for others.
We do not use either one of them in this household.

Lots of time for reading, spinning, playing with the kitties, painting, drawing, wet felting and other creative activities.
They all need preparation time and room.
So I want to have a nice area to do all that in.


Maybe some day I manage to find my inner eqilibrium and it starts shining through on the outside, too.
Untill then it will be a neverending fight against entropy.